Peanut butter AND jelly, biscuits AND gravy, Batman AND Robin, husband AND wife, Ben AND Jerry, socks AND shoes, Adam AND Eve….the list goes on. God (Darwin, the universe, whatever you believe in is irrelevant here) has graciously given us two feet, two hands, two sides of our brain, two lungs, two ventricles and atriums of the heart, two kindneys, and two reproductive organs (to name a few).
Since I was little I always hated jelly and only ate peanut butter sandwiches, gravy never touched my plate, and let’s be real, when did we EVER talk about Robin?! I think I was doomed from birth.
Over the weekend, I had my right ovary taken out. It was 10cm in diameter (normal is 4cm), it had twisted over itself numerous times (torsion) and all blood flow was being cut off to my poor ovary. Needless to say, after two Emergency Room visits within 3 days of each other, I remained in excruciating pain and the thing needed to come out. I lost one of my pairs. I was devastated.
The next day I had the feeling that I had lost part of my womanhood. The love and support I received afterwards of people sharing their stories and family’s stories of women having babies with only one ovary were constant and yet, it was of minimal comfort to me. I still had lost my pair. I was heartbroken.
Even after a horrible relationship where your partner is abusive and ruins your activities of daily living and make moving about the world freely impossible, it’s still hard (if not impossible) to let them go. This is my relationship with my right ovary. I wasn’t able to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, in the manner that I wanted it to be completed at. So why was it so hard to say goodbye? Why did I struggle from month to month to try and save this thing that only held me back from living my most authentic life?
Letting go. Letting go is hard for me. I love traditions, I love consistency, I fear the unknown and I fear not being enough.
“Sometimes beautiful things come into our lives out of nowhere. We can’t always understand them, but we have to trust in them. I know you want to question everything, but sometimes it pays to just have a little faith.”
If it wasn’t physically cut out of me, I think I’d still be laying here in the fetal position praying for the pain to stop. Letting go is hard. Sometimes you don’t even know that it’s time to let go. Sometimes there’s no other way. Sometimes you just can’t. Whatever your reasoning may be, ask yourself: Is it helpful? Is it positive? Is it guiding my present and future self in the direction I want/need to go? We may all be 99% chromosomally alike, but we are all so different! We all have different needs and wants and different futures ahead. Drop what other people may think and let things go on your terms, at your ability. Every day is different. Letting things go today is going to look differently tomorrow. And maybe you need to let it go every day. Look yourself in the eyes in the mirror, say it a loud. Release what’s holding you back. Life is so much more then just keeping things together because they look good as a pair. Wonder Woman, Aunt Jemima, Picasso, Frank Sinatra. It’s okay to break off, it’s okay to take the road less traveled and it’s a beautiful thing to be an individual.
Energy requires space. Energy can not be created nor destroyed. You need to release old energy in order to make room for something new. No one ever said it was going to be easy. Believe me, it never has been for me. But they did say it would be worth it. I simply can not wait to see what crazy, beautiful blessings this road has ahead of me with this new space I’ve created!
** A special thank you to all of my surgeons and nurses over at Williamson Medical Center and all of my friends and family for their everlasting love and support. I love you all with all of my heart and soul, thank you. **